small rebellions

It’s definitely been a hot minute since the last time I blogged. My deepest apologies go out to the one or two people that actually read my blog. Such a sad blogger existence that is my life… so much for my nerdy dream of my blog becoming famous one day. Now, don’t go telling everyone that the possibility of my blog becoming famous one day excites me. I only told you because we’re on that level to where you read my blogs. Yeah, that’s right. I said it.

Well, in case you’ve misplaced your calendar, been living in an underground cave for months, or really just haven’t been paying attention to the SWELTERING temperatures, it’s officially summer time. And by now, summer is basically half over. May and June literally flew by. Can I get an Amen? It’s July 10th. JULY 10th. What in the world? I’m pretty sure I was just stressing over my spring semester finals like yesterday.  That is crazy.

What have I done this summer? Why, you’re ever so thoughtful for asking. Well, I’ve definitely gotten a whole lot of rest, let me tell you. From having days upon days where Kristen and I would just be a bum at her apartment, to the times I watched full seasons of Dawson’s Creek within 48 hours, I’ve had some LEGIT chill time the last two months. And while I enjoy doing nothing, sometimes it’s the last thing I want to do.

Of course, my summer started out incredible, as I spent ten days in Jacmel, Haiti. As cliché as it sounds, it did change my life and I want to go back to that little orphanage every single day and see those sweet little faces. When we were there, the Haitian people kept telling us how much of a blessing we were to them by being there, but I think they were more of a blessing in our lives. As I am writing this, I am looking at pictures I have hanging up in my apartment of the kids, and I can’t help but smile, when I think of them. The time I spent with them was very little, but I love them so much.

After I returned from Haiti, I was excited to see all of my friends and family, but underneath all the excitement, I felt uneasy. As badly as I wanted to be home, at the same time I wanted to be back in Haiti. Along with that, I had a great sense of uncertainty, considering I had absolutely no plans for the summer. No summer missions plans. I wasn’t taking classes. I wasn’t planning on getting a job. The only hope I had to do something productive was to do WIRED again, but that fell through. I felt like I was going to waste my summer away. Every single day, I woke up telling myself, I should have done this, I should have done that. I was regretting the decisions I made regarding my summer, and I never ever regret things. It was very discouraging. I sit here writing this, and just like a great big puzzle (which I have been forced to do several times this summer, so sad), all of the pieces are coming together, and I am beginning to see why my summer has turned out like it has.

I’ve been growing all summer. No, not physically. Can you imagine me getting any taller? Honestly, I don’t think I or the world couldn’t handle that. I don’t know if it’s possible to mature to a certain extent over the course of a couple of months, but I am certain that it’s happening. I just feel different. There have been times where I have felt distant from God, only to have Him pull me even closer than I was ever before. He is showing me things that I never would have imagined. I feel like He is using the time I have this summer for something like spiritual renewal. I remember praying a short time ago, asking Him to send me anything that would reignite my passion for Him, ultimately bringing me closer to Him, away from all of the distractions I had at that time. After that cry to Him, I had one of the worst weeks imaginable. I didn’t see it then, but God had answered my prayer. As much as I hated and loathed those seven days, I am thankful for them. He was testing my faith in Him, and the trust I have in Him. It may sound odd, but I feel like I am becoming my own person. It’s like I’ve been searching for something all summer, and now, I have found it. I have a renewed sense of self and I’ve finally awaken from the comatose state in my faith. I am developing my own opinion on things now. I have my own beliefs on things regarding the Church, politics, etc, and I won’t compromise on them. I just feel amazing!

So far this summer, I’ve grown closer to some people, while some relationships have just completely ended. I’ve tie-dyed shirts and socks; modge podged a couple of random things. Books and books have been read. My apartment has been semi-redecorated. I’ve eaten a lot of Moe’s and listened to tons of Jars of Clay. Met some cool freshmen at orientation and made a lot of stuff out of bandanas. And most of all, I’ve rediscovered, with a craving passion, the reason why I am on this earth…